More Than a Moment

It’s not that I don’t want to get married
it’s simply the fact that I can’t
but what would it matter even if I did
when I know how they all end anyways
Well I guess they don’t all end
but you know what I mean when I say
that most of them do go anyways.

When I was a boy in the back of the room
with nothing to do and no ear to listen to
the prayers from the front reaching the back
like waves washing forward to cover
and uncover what’s just underneath
I would sit in my seat and sit in my seat
and think of wedding dresses
the many ways they could be colored and draped
over the woman I knew would find me by fate.
One in great detail I still can recall
she was tall with brown hair in a bun and a dress
made of sunshine chiffon held tight and embroidered
with roses. so many roses.
They trailed her like a garden as she moved
as she paraded and strode down the aisle
but the moment she reached me
I was no longer there.

Then later a boy still but older
I had a best friend who I wanted my girl
but when I thought of her and dreamt of her
I didn’t want her
I imagined we had a child
but not the sex that got us there
and then we were nothing more. she was nothing more
only the child
and I realized sometime later
I only wanted that child
no wife just a son
but I was only a boy—how else would it happen?
That’s not the kind of marriage I’d have liked to have won.

Truth is today the forecast’s not much better
there are so many men but none suit for a lover
and I talk to guys and I’m on dating websites
but why do I bother
when it’s not even legal
and even if it were
they’re only cheaters and deadbeats and lost loves
and more before they all end anyways.
You know what I mean
it’s not just the moment
it’s forever
but read that again it’s not true
it’s never.

The truth is I’d be a great dad with great lads
and my husband would love me and brag
and single women upon our first meet
would mutter to themselves and under their breaths repeat
All the best men are taken
or gay
and I’d be happily taken and happily gay
and like a picturesque Hollywood montage
all the priceless moments will appear as on film
that first encounter full of nervous laughter
the wedding and the honeymoon after
our perfect 2.5 kids
and the placid neighborhood where we live
school bus farewells and a quick drive to work
9-5 a profession, a pastime, a sport
family table and game night and homework before bed
and when did my future my fantasy
turn into a syndicated sitcom still playing on TV?

Life isn’t perfect. Hollywood’s a whore
a tease with bright smiles and tight ideals
that falls at the feet of reality and fills you
with ecstasy. Sweet delusional ecstasy. oh, Oh, OH—
then there’s a commercial break.
Two-for-one tacos. A six-pack on sale. Trojans.
Why’d they ever call them that anyways
the Horse came as a gift and killed in the middle of the night
yeah. that’s what it did. use protection.

The truth is this truth is
just one in a million
and the possibilities are endless till the moment we see them
and then like stone it’s a step to believe in
when chaos is order we just can’t perceive and
the moment I marry will be the happiest moment
not for the love that is meant or the ring that he spent
two months’ paychecks to buy and keep a surprise
but for the statement it makes to the world that we live in
that once and for all equal’s a given
and I’m not on the outside just waiting to look in
but a part of the whole to finally rejoice in
and then
what then
now that I’m married it’s more than a moment
but what then?


2 thoughts on “More Than a Moment

  1. My good Lord, this was simply appalling. Appalling in the same way I am appalled when I hear a brilliant stroke of Pachelbel’s Canon or the fluidity of Fry’s speech when speaking things in such an eloquent manner I cannot else but loath his oratorical and rhetorical prowess. Appalling as in that moment when, admiring something dearly, you can only acknowledge you’d never be the one to create such craft.

    Beautifully spoken, and I will follow-up in a soon to be sent e-mail as many of these topics, and certainly the theme, are close to my heart, as unapplicable to my own life as they may be. And what does that even mean? As if application of fairness should only involve oneself. Though I digress, that is our reality.

    Fairness is applied to oneself and not to all; and when that moment finally dawns, that moment when it is — what then?

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